How to help siblings with your child's behaviors

Having a child with any type of developmental disabilities
can be very stressful for the parents and the siblings of that
child. This may be seen to be even more so at times for
children with (physically) hidden syndromes like Asperger's.
Children with physical disabilities have a more visible and
obvious disability. Whereas children on the autistic spectrum
tend to look exactly like other children but can behave very
differently. For siblings this behavior can be difficult to understand
even when they are aware of their sibling’s ASD. Many siblings
can think of their ASD sibling as simply naughty or rude –
particularly if they are quite young and unable to fully
understand the issues involved. Siblings may often feel
embarrassed around peers, frustrated by not having the
type of relationship with their sibling that they wanted or
expected, and/or angry that the child with Asperger’s
Syndrome requires so much of the parents’ time. This can
often mean the child not wanting to ask friends over to
play, as they fear their sibling may embarrass them.

It is hard enough for parents of the child with Asperger’s
to understand why their child has this syndrome, much
less why they behave the way they do. Teach siblings
about Asperger’s Syndrome to the extent that they are
able to understand. Let them know that it is okay to be
frustrated with their sibling who is affected, but it won’t
help their relationship. Let siblings know what that child
needs, again to the extent that they can understand and
provide as normal of an environment as possible. Try to
make this as concrete as possible with real life examples
of what you mean that they can follow and relate to.
Obviously some family dynamics can make this
tricky - but try to make some special parent-child
time with the non-Asperger's sibling at least weekly.
In order to do this you may need to look to your
family, friends or local social services to offer the
child with Asperger's somewhere to go for some
respite. Whilst you can then do some activity with their
sibling. This may mean staying in and watching a video
or just chilling out in peace. Or it could involve a set
activity like swimming, the cinema, walking, shopping etc.
Whatever it is try to make it child-focussed so
that your child gets to determine what you do
(within reason!)

It is often tempting to coddle the child with
developmental disabilities, like Asperger’s Syndrome,
and expect the other children to do so as well.
But, the child with Asperger’s Syndrome will benefit
and learn social skills from their siblings as well, and
they should be entitled to a reasonable amount of
sibling rivalry as well as any other child. You don’t
want to deny the child with Asperger’s the
typical childhood, which includes fighting over toys
and television shows. These formative sibling
relationships and experiences have a major effect on
children as they grow up (regardless of Asperger’s).

So to summarise siblings need to know enough about
their brother or sisters issues to give them an
understanding at their level. They also need to know
that it is OK to feel some negative emotions at times
to their sibling, and where ever possible they need a
little “special” time with you on their own.

Copyright © 2007 Dave Angel